:: chelsea lives here ::

mud be hanged.

2011-03-12T01:02:00.000-08:00

I edited this in just about no-time at all. not supah fancy, I'm just proud that I now know how.

our backyard is like a giant sponge at the moment. every step produces a satisfying squish of muddy water between the toes. this did not stop us from getting some fresh air at twilight. spring!

:: :: ::

I had a friend over today. I didn't clean too well before hand, and while she is kind enough not to care, I was actually quite ashamed of myself afterward. Her twin babies had to crawl on my floor which, in the full light of day, was actually pretty filthy. oops. I was so ashamed that I spent my friday night doing some pretty hot and heavy cleaning. now I need a do-over. hey sarah, next time my house will be sparklin'! you and your small fry deserve it.

we need to talk.

2011-03-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

i can't take a self-portrait without touching my face.

I have a confession. (I think I like the sun again.)

a few sunny days and I think I am ready to change my flirtation to a full-fledged relationship. I adore grey skies. they will always be my first love. but I am tired of all the laundry that comes with the layers, and how any time we step outside it takes fifteen minutes to find enough socks, shoes, jackets and mittens to guard us from the wet cold. I think I need to take a break from it all, explore the possibilities of this new relationship. I think it could be all sandals, and long weekends, and picnics. it would be good for the kids too, to see the outside world for a bit.

I'm not saying it's for good. who knows what the future holds. and like I said,

it's not you, it's me.

whoosh

2011-03-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

me and jeff spent the morning together. he took the day off and we had plans to go to the temple together. except that the temple was closed for maintenance. fail. so instead we walked around the grounds and shivered and talked for a while about how sad and hopeful life could be. it was sweet. neither of us was falling asleep or multi tasking so, score! I like touching base with this guy every once in a while. it's nice that we evolve, as people. it makes it easy to keep falling in love with him over and over.

awkward, handsome.

mad props to laura for being the second mom to my kids that she is and watching the girls today. when told they were going to laura's, petra dreamily said "oh I just love sister allred..." and rilla nearly jumped out of my arms saying "roara!" ... I think they like it better over there than they do here. no wait, I know they do. they are certified to adopt, and really, my kids would volunteer for the job if I'd let em. if you know of any other applicants... let em know!

(photo by kandk)

march 3rd

2011-03-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

ashley, camping. kehl springs?

it has been one year. one year since I lost one of the handful of people that knows where I come from, that shares my history.

I love you, family. I love you, Ash.

"Families Can Be Together Forever"

I have a family here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to spend my life with them
through all eternity.

Families can be together forever
Through Heavenly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me I can.

While I am in my early years,
I'll prepare most carefully,
So I can marry in God's temple for eternity.

Families can be together forever

Through Heavenly Father's plan.

I always want to be with my own family,

And the Lord has shown me how I can.

The Lord has shown me I can.

-Ruth M. Gardner.

shared history, a3

2011-03-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

karl, ashley

my little brother and his "king-bone hat." a family story that gets told over and over.

shared history, a2

2011-03-01T18:06:00.000-08:00

chelsea, ashley, pigeons.

feeding the birds in sparkly suits and pony tails.

crystal pier is my happy place.

shared history, a1

2011-02-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

ashley, chelsea. petra would rock that sweater tee.

entry way wall, faux plant, matching perms.

february 26th

2011-02-26T00:00:00.001-08:00

chelsea, ashley, karl

Dear Ashley,

Happy Birthday, sister dear. Every day I miss you. Today, it is a lump in my throat and a stone in my chest. I wish I could call you, text you, hug you. Instead, I write to you, and hope you know it. It has been a year since I last heard your voice. Every day I try to hear you in my mind. I am afraid time will take my memory of your voice. I review the details of your sound to etch it deep into my memory. I know you live, sister, but I feel the need to have evidence of you for my mortal self. I often close my eyes and picture your face and how you sat and how you twirled you hair. I don't think, though, that I will ever forget your laugh. How it sounded, how it looked. I felt closest to you when we laughed together. As your little sister I really loved to have inside jokes with my older sister. I hope you have heard all those jokes I have been making for you this past year. That is what I miss the most, and what I refuse to lose. I will still crack jokes that I think you would laugh at, and still believe that we are sharing a moment together. Someday we will meet up again, and we will still have a lifetime of inside jokes. Deal?

This picture makes me laugh, because it is so typical, isn't it? Me, trying to crowd my way into the action. I love the look on your face, you look blissful! And isn't that cake so pretty? You must have got your baking skills from Mama.

I miss you so much, Ash. I love you. I am blessed to have you as my older sister, and I will never stop needing you.

   Happy Birthday. I love you!

   Your sister,
   Chelsea

i'm joey.*

2011-02-25T14:51:00.000-08:00

this is my how my kitchen looks right now. like, I just snapped this shot. we got remnants of lunch, leftover valentine's decorations, and if you look closely, our pink flamingo cookie jar that jeff's buddies gave us as a wedding present. he gets a spot wherever we go. oh, and open cupboards. I always forget to close the dang cupboards. sorry babe, pretend you didn't see that. I love this time of day because if (and that is a big "if") the sun is shining, we get lots of light in here, and if my floors are (relatively) clean, my house looks bright and perty.

all the snow in the back yard is gone, except for where the roof shadows the yard. there it is a blanket of white with little Petra foot and hand prints in it. cute.

I am in a weird mood today, can you tell? I got things on my mind.

* anyone see the "Jordon" episode of "I Used to be Fat" on MTV? By far the best episode. His trainer was an endless fountain of one-liners, ("come here sweet prince" "these cones are little baby bunnies, you do not want to kill them." "boom!") and despite his meat-head appearance, he seemed to really care about the kid. heart and humor. that's what this episode had. the light that the kid has in his eyes at the end? priceless. he shines. please tell me someone else has seen this.

jogography.4

2011-02-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

kind of looks like a bunch of birds are sitting in the tree. (it's not)

I need to grab myself by the shoulders and give me a good shake.

I am stalled.

I have been avoiding a few things. Thinking them over and telling myself I just want to give them some good thought first. They are not big things, on the outside. But they could be big, for me. I am just afraid to fail. I am as afraid to fail as I am afraid to want to succeed.

The older I get, the more I realize my shortcomings. Whether it is that I actually have more shortcomings, or that I just see more clearly what they are, I don't know. I only know that for every one thing I accept or better about myself, I see two more opportunities for improvement. I feel like the real work has just begun.

But I am so deeply grateful for my mind. my mind that can reason things out, that can ponder. Even if it is on ways to improve on my faults. Eternal progression is essential the Plan. That, in and of itself, gives me reason for lasting happiness.

jogography.3

2011-02-22T21:54:00.000-08:00

"happiness is one of the many emotions I will experience in a day." -- carrie fisher*

:: :: ::

I got girl scout cookies today. samoas. I can remember the first time I had a samoa as a little girl. I remember thinking that I had never had something so delicious.

also today, it slushed, snowed, rained, hailed, snowed again and sun-shined all before lunch. it was bizarre, and super rad to watch.

it is supposed to snow again tomorrow. I have provisions - another box of samoas, all the fixin's for stew, a loaf of central market french bread (thank you love,) and a new library book.

I will find any excuse not to leave my house. but I have to admit, these are pretty good excuses.

*(as close as I can remember from her interview with Oprah recently)

and where we go, we're up, we're down.

2011-02-18T21:49:00.000-08:00

it's my sister's birthday next week. Ashley's birthday. she would have been 29. one year and one week and one day ago, a miracle happened. I remembered it was Ashley's birthday. I am really bad at remembering birthdays. it was evening, and I was chatting with our friend myke who was visiting, when I remembered, suddenly, that it was Ashley's birthday. by "suddenly," I mean it felt like the thought was shoved into the front of my mind demanding my attention. miracle. I checked the clock. It was 5:02. I thought she would be off work by then, so I should call now. normally I would think it rude to make a phone call in the middle of a conversation with a friend, but Ashley was hard to catch and I thought it might take me a couple of tries. so I excused myself and called. she picked up right away. "good timing" she said "I just got off work and I was switching my phone off of vibrate." miracle. I was glad. we chatted for almost an hour. again, normally I would find this poor etiquette with a guest waiting patiently in our tiny apartment, where he couldn't get away from hearing one end of a conversation, but I felt it was important. Ashley wasn't usually that chatty on the phone and I wanted to talk to her as much as I could. miracle. we discussed some personal things. but in the end it all came out to her saying she knew we all loved her, and me saying "we do. we love you no matter what." miracle. she then said she had to go, she had some birthday plans to attend to. I can't remember for sure, but I hope I said happy birthday and I hope I said I love you again.

that was the last time I heard my sister's voice. she passed away less than a week later.

I had sent her a birthday card earlier that week. my mother found it later, unopened, in her mail box. I am really glad I called. miracle.

Saint Valentin

2011-02-14T14:20:00.000-08:00

I like Valentine's Day. It's sweet. A nice day to do something romantic, give cheesy cards to your friends, make a few puns, or to give flowers to your momma. I don't mind a gentle nudge on the calendar to make sure I tell my dear-heart* how much I love him. Life is busy. Valentine's Day is a lot like scheduling date night to me. Make sure it gets scheduled so that we don't let too much time pass before we say/show/demonstrate our affection for one another. The sweetness doesn't have to be limited to one day a year, it's just somethin' extra. Plus, having two little girls, I am kinda lovin' the hearts, pinks, cards, reds... they love themes.

My favorite thing this year was my card from Jeff. He had found some old mystery film, had it developed, and lo and behold there were a few snap shots of our first Valentine's day together at the end of the roll. He slipped the snap shots in my card, and between those and his sweet words... well let's just say he nailed it.

*when I was a preteen dreaming of love, I used to wonder what term of endearment I would use for my future husband. I decided that dear-heart was the sweetest of names. I hardly use it, mostly in personal dreamy thoughts. But it still holds all those wishful hopes for me, like all my dreams came true.

photographs etc

2011-02-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

I have the coolest family ever. including, but not limited too: karl t reed and his bridey kacey.

:: family photographs ::

I will be on the look out for a way too pay them back.

they say you can never go home again.

2011-01-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

"She paused for a moment to look about her on hills and woods she had loved in olden days and still loved. Dear Avonlea! Glen St. Mary was home to her now and had been home for many years but Avonlea had something Glen St. Mary could never have. Ghosts of herself met her at every turn..."

Anne of Ingleside - L.M. Montgomery

home for a visit, and reading this book has been quite fitting. I love being home.

all is full of love

2011-01-12T00:34:00.000-08:00

midnight from my kitchen window

.....................

I drove home from a friends late in the snow. it was worth it for the company, and the silent white streets.

I came home to everyone asleep, and my honey had swept the floor for me.

I have a big picture window into my back yard so I can watch the snow fall into higher and higher piles.

everyone is safe.

I don't want to sleep, I just want to eat all the moments that are to be had.

you got your new boyfriend

2011-01-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

I might have had a mild meltdown.

this week I couldn't get my house clean and today I couldn't get myself to shower. both happened tonight, eventually, but I still have a laundry list a mile long of things to be gone through and organized so I only feel mildly better. sometimes my days race by but I feel like I am running through water. I can't get away from the monster that is the mess, the dirt, the ideal. can't get motivated to do it all again. I just need to find the rhythm. falling short of perfect is expected. falling short of mediocre is irritating.

.......

I did organize my jewelry box. and I have to admit, finding the old polaroid of high school jeff did lift my mood a little. now his eyes peek out at me every time I need to get a pair of earrings. I think he does it to make me laugh. he's good like that.

a writing exercise, and a dead snowman.

2011-01-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

when the snow melted, so did petra's snow man. however, it melted slowly and everything stayed in place.

A girl, about four, wiggled her foot into the hole of her boot. Her mother helped her maneuver her small fingers into the pink glove. "One finger in each hole, Petra." Her hood is slipped over her head, pushing her long curly hair forward, spilling out around her face. "Am I ready now?" she asks. Her mother adjusts the zipper up a little, and looks her over. "Yeup." She opens the door and the puff-coat figure walks out the into the back yard. The whole yard is covered in the nights snow, virgin of foot prints. A giant smile cracks onto Petra's face. She tromps through the snow and turns to see her path manifested in white. A laugh jumps out of her mouth and she is in it. She runs, throws snowballs, and makes a snack out of the freshest top snow. When she finally taps on the door her cheeks and nose are pink and her eyes are shining from the fresh chilled air. Her mother opens the door and grabs Petra under the arm, so she won't slip. Together they peel off the layers. In a matter of seconds Petra is down to her dry clothes, telling her mother about her snow day. "... and I tried to make a snow man, but he just felled down." "Oh, well maybe there wasn't enough snow" her mother replied, distracted as she moved the wet things in a pile and cleaned up the melted snow. "Oh. Well maybe I can try again later." "Sounds good honey."

....

Later that afternoon she was ready to go back out. Back on went the coat, the gloves, and the smile. Back to making a snowman. Her smile turned down along with her eyebrows as she couldn't get the snowman to stand up properly. Her mother watched out the window. She hesitated a second. Then she ran back to her room, fished out her boots, her gloves. Rummaged through the coat closet to get her good coat. Up went the hood to cover the fine, straight hair. She stepped outside and smiled at Petra. "Here, let me help you." she said. She then bent down and started shaping a snowman on the ground, like a drawing, but mounded up. Petra caught the idea and took over the construction. Her mother started digging under the snow where she knew rocks would be. "We need four more rocks Mom." Petra said. "Okay hon." her mother replied "Here you go." Petra placed the rocks as her mother stepped inside. She came back out with a carrot in her hand. "A nose!" Petra smiled. Her mother shimmied it down in the snow. "There." she said "A snowman, Just a little different." She looked at Petra for approval. Petra grinned and giggled. It was small, and imperfect. But for now, it was enough.

in the sun she grew

2011-01-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

I bought these jammies before petra was even born. I couldn't comprehend her ever being big enough to fill them. then she was. and then she was too big. now she has a little sister who is big enough to wear them. right cutely, I might add. I got a little misty pulling them out of the drawer.

and I might have gotten a little misty when this little girl came walking down the hall at church proudly wearing her brand new CTR necklace. this is the little baby, who was too tiny to fill the jammies? so big, so beautiful, so intelligent, so funny.

sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that these are the very best days.

so long, two oh one oh

2010-12-30T21:28:00.000-08:00

I have never been much of a goal setter. Let alone, a list of goals. Just thinking about it makes the anxiety ball in my chest constrict. But there are a few small changes I've been thinking about that I would like to implement, and if it just happens to coincide with the new year ... so be it. no pressure, Chels.

some, but not all, include ::

:: appreciating/taking care of my things.

I have been blessed to have many things. I feel, perhaps, it is a bit in bad taste, if not sinful, to abuse these things and take them for granted. I am committing to hanging up my clothes, cleaning my shoes when they get dirty, mending ripped or torn items, stain removing spills on the couch, being careful with my books, etc etc.

:: better table manners.

I have horrid table manners. I am committing to pay attention to the sights, sounds and atmosphere that I create when I partake in food, glorious food.

:: decorate our bedroom.

our bedroom has become a collection of things that have no where else to go. actually, this is what it has always been wherever we have lived. It has never been put-together at all. The collection of unorganized knick-knacks and tangled jewelry (petra) bothers me daily. I am committing to having a room brings more peace than stress.

:: :: ::

there is more, but this is the kind of easy-on-myself kind of goals I am feelin' this year. you get the gist. and hey, happy new year.

a lot just a little late

2010-12-29T08:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Mother Nature,

I asked Santa for a white Christmas. If I couldn't be in the desert for the holiday, I might as well get the whole Northwest experience. I did not get a white Christmas, and to tell the truth I was a little miffed. But maybe I didn't get a white Christmas because I was asking the wrong person. I apologize for any offense, Mama N. Of course you would be the one to give me the snow. How silly of me. I appreciate you recovering from the slight, and being the bigger person and delivering me this...

... just a few days late. What a lovely surprise! There is nothing like waking up to a grey and white, quiet wonderland. It still feels like magic for me. I know you sent this just for me because I read on a news site that our area got the most snow. I will spend the day watching the snow fall, and Pita trying to make snow angels. You shouldn't have, (but thank you)!

Love,

chels

12.25.10

2010-12-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

seasons greeti-countdown

2010-12-24T17:46:00.000-08:00

1 day before Christmas ::

Christmas Eve! the week that started out not so great, actually ended with a lovely day. Activities included writing cards, decorating cookies for Santa, and remembering the meaning of Christmas through the telling of the Nativity story. Beyond the normal characters, Petra's nativity included some snowmen, Super Brush, a queen soap, some teddy bears, and of course, Santa. She also provided a nice house for them to sleep in so they wouldn't have to sleep in the "staple." She made sure everyone crowded in tight, and had the best view. I like her version, because really, Jesus Christ is everyone's Savior. No matter who they are.

I love Christmas. I really do.

merry christma-countdown

2010-12-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

2 days before Christmas ::

walks in the rain (pretending it was snow), avoiding cleaning, dressing up the girls, and a mexican food dinner with our b.w.f.e.'s (best washington friends ever). okay, Christmas Eve, we are ready for you!

happy holi-countdown

2010-12-23T00:24:00.000-08:00

3 days before Christmas ::

Today we hit the grocery store, another grocery store, then a third grocery store to try to find a specific gift from P to J. We found it on the third try. P also informed me that 3 +1 =4. Always good to know.

Rilla was done before we even started, so she kind of got ignored, until a lovely old lady came up to us at one store, stood real close, and told me what a doll she was. "But she's tenacious, this one. I can tell by the look she had on her face. But I bet she is pretty good for you too. Easy." She pretty much nailed it. She then told me about wallpaper and her Mother in Law coming in and insisting they have fresh wallpaper every spring. "She put it up, and I had to scrape off the old paper. I had the worse job I think." and the year she stuck some Christmas decor to her door, only to have it get really stuck and they had to have the door taken down and sanded to get it off. She looked back at Rilla, "But you gotta be a little strict. You're the mother aren't you??" Then she walked away. Wish I knew where she lived. I bet she's got a lot of stories to tell, and maybe would really like to tell them.

feeling even better, hit the mall to replace Jeff's present, santa claus is coming to town, and the what not, and the so forth.

winter solsti-countdown

2010-12-21T15:15:00.000-08:00

4 days before Christmas ::

pita and I made white paper snowflakes today. she couldn't cut through the folded paper so I let her play project manager and tell me what shapes to cut where. watching her face as she unfolded each one, wondering how everything would translate, was the best part. she is kind of awesome, my petra. she told me today that the tree was just sick like me, and not to worry, it would get better. what a love.

feeling better and cheered up already.

feliz navi-countdown.

2010-12-20T16:27:00.000-08:00

5 days before Christmas ::

our tree is dying. not just dry, but curling-under-at-the-ends-and-breaking-off-in-chunks dying. i am sick. i woke up with a massive cold-sore. i got an email saying that jeff's christmas present was not coming, after all. ever. i ordered it five weeks ago. this means I have to go shopping the week before christmas. and i am sick.

christmas week is getting off to a bad start.

jeff said he would take us on a christmas lights drive tonight. hopefully the festivity will cheer me up a bit. now, if it would snow... that would really cheer me up. christmas lights in the snow is pure magic. just putting that out there, weatherman.

you will always be bell of the ball

2010-12-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

kayleen made the jacket. i more than love it.

this little girl is giving us some trouble. she has learned "mm hmm" (affirmative) and "uh uh" (negative) and their respective meanings recently. on the one hand, it is handy because it is clear what she wants, and does not want. on the other hand, now that she knows she can have an opinion, we have opened the door into negotiations. and since that is where her means of discernible verbal communications end, these negotiations have been quite confusing and comical. I ask if she would like something to eat. I get a "mm hmm." i then proceed to ask if she would like one thing after the next until I guess right. each wrong answer gets me an "uh uh!" and scream and a run-around tantrum. the next goal is to learn all the words for her favorite foods and beverages. obviously.

although, I can't stay frustrated long with this one. as soon as I get it right I get a giant grin, a "peese!" and "bank oo." and she is off with a giggle of joy to have finally gotten her prize.

i made the girl. i more than love her.

she's charming this one. I am curious ( slightly nervous) of where that grin will take my rills.

we need a little Christmas

2010-12-16T17:36:00.000-08:00

aren't the colors on these candy canes sweet?

I finally got my act together and made a trip to the post office today. I mailed our modest Christmas packages, and it all felt very festive. Now that I know a piece of me is on its way home for the holidays, I feel a little lighter, a little warmer with Christmas spirit. A week and a three days out, there are still just a few details left to finish. Mostly the fun things, like wrapping presents and buying stocking stuffers. Some things are more worrisome, like a certain husbands present arriving in the mail on time. It will all get done. Or it won't. Oh well. It will be a simpler Christmas, and it may be just what we need this year. My little family together is lovely no matter what.

twas [12 nights] before christmas ...

2010-12-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

... when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter ...

last night we woke up to howling winds. it was so loud. it was a new feeling for me, to be afraid of the elements.

we awoke in the morning to find this.

{ previously }

{ this morning }

just yesterday I was thinking to myself how much I love my fence. I mean, I love this fence. it is such a great color, and weathered, and moss grows in the cracks. it makes a great background for photos. its the time and place marker for memories. "oh I loved that costume! when was that? that's the fence from the washington house on suchnsuch street, so I must have been about four." ... you know what I mean? it makes me happy to look at out my windows.

I hope it can be saved. I will just be devastated* if those two panels get replaced with brand new bright and shiny wood.

*maybe not devastated, but you know what I mean.

them stock girls

2010-12-13T18:09:00.000-08:00

halloween 2010:: nerd and tinkerbell

sometimes their toes their cheeks their soft arms their rough knees their noses the very hair on their heads - is everything.

it makes more sense then I could ever explain.

i'm dreaming...

2010-12-12T23:00:00.000-08:00

of a desert christmas.

i was homesick. very homesick.

then it was a little better.

send me christmas cards! i love them.

the post about our tree.

2010-12-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

the day: a misty sunday

the scene: a snowy wood

the players: family (and friends)

the goal: a christmas tree

the result: the christmas spirit

gracias

2010-11-25T08:55:00.000-08:00

"maybe Jesus found a big thing of FROSTING and dumped it all over us!"

-petra, on snow

(take a wild guess at what I am thankful for. love you j, p & r.)

ask, and ye shall

2010-11-21T21:08:00.000-08:00

hey jade, here is a picture of my house!

I love my house. love it. that we found it at all was a tender mercy, a story for another time. but isn't the color tragic? I like to tell myself that it was a brighter cottage-pink in it's younger days. that it's now faded dusty rose mauve is just a testament of many well lived, weather braved days. not that pink is my favorite color for real-estate, but at least it would be a statement. I could hang with it. but this color... what can I say, it's not my house. we rent.

love the one you're with, eh?

also documented is the first snow of the season. snow outside my window is miraculous. as a girl going to the snow was such a luxury. now it comes to me. and it is so beautiful to watch. beautiful and humbling. it takes me to that place. that place where you feel deeply that this all means something. all of it. and that the snow falling so slowly, with such a flutter, was designed as a loving reminder that He is there.

wishing you the happiest of winters.

from my windows to yours

2010-11-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

jeff had to work some late hours this week. we have missed him a lot. so last evening we went to central market to have dinner and be together as a little family unit. it was heavenly. and not just because central market is grocery paradise. we were all elated to have a date night with the guy. he's our hero. while we were there we picked up some oranges. seedless mandarin oranges with the stems still attached. they are so delicious, and the perfect size for my darling daughters. they devoured two each while daddy had a much deserved sleep-in.

and it seems that this is my 200th post. hey now. no grand give-away, or photo-shoot, or anything like that. but really, does it get any better than seedless mandarin oranges with the stems still on?

and the strong scent of evergreen

2010-11-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

I got lost today.

for about two hours. dead phone, no gps, no good place to stop and ask for directions for a woman and her two girls alone. a lot of fields, a lot of industrial parks, a lot of construction sites. we prayed. we got directions. we made it home. we prayed again.

home never looked so good.

keep it up, whydoncha.

2010-11-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

guess who lost 20 lbs??

that's right. me!

(cyber five!)

after some killer advice, some great emails from old friends (c.k.), and some loving support all around, this time felt different. I felt armed with information and determination. and so far, so good! the boring details of my, dare I say, success lie simply in diet (countin' calories) and exercise (running and yoga). oh, and avoiding wheat at most of my meals and snacks (amazing advice, a.h.) so thank you, thank you friends. your input has made all the difference.

the real joy of losing 20 lbs (22.5 lbs, if we are getting technical) is that it means it is possible! I have lost ten pounds repeatedly, and so I couldn't get excited until I lost well past that ten pound mark. It also means I am half way to my goal. I still feel the momentum, so I am hopeful I can lose the next 20 lbs. (knock on wood. or at least the ikea wood-like substance that is our end table) I am, after all, playing for keeps here.

*is it just me, or is this photo of me slightly gangrene looking? it looked good in iphoto... but it uploaded slightly strange looking

sunday morning's all right for fashion

2010-11-14T18:15:00.000-08:00

little girls are fun to dress.

even if they think getting their photo taken is a big fat game... of chase.

a big fat game of chase.

and now, a fancy shot of what I like to call

my new "grown up" shoes.

a heel! the insanity!

I loved you Guenivere

2010-11-14T00:48:00.000-08:00

petra wants her hair to grow "as long as rapunzel's". it's gorgeous, but rather unruly. I can't decide what to do. forcing a little girl to cut her hair can be traumatic, right? besides, I kind of absolutely love it. I think I just need to stop short of it brushing the floor. maybe before then. perhaps somewhere around the back of the knees? she is ever anxiously awaiting the premiere of tangled. but let's make it clear, she was in to rapunzel long before it was hip. she is o.g. she's just rad like that.

jogography.2

2010-11-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

all those nails and staples speaking of garage sales and lost/found pets gone by made me happy.

(not the lost part, obviously)

jogography.1

2010-10-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

saturday, I went out for a run. pandora was good to me, it was overcast and cool. jeff was at home with the girls, safe and sound. my body felt good. strong. all the work I have been doing is paying off.

its a good life.

my friend myke has often talked about starting a jogography group of some sort. I loved this idea, and snapped some photos on my run. I wanna know what you see when you jog. or walk. or hike. or bike. when you are traveling by the power of your own body, what do you notice?

mom, this is the photo I was telling you about

2010-10-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

i asked petra to take a picture with me.

"smile your pretty smile, please."

*snap*

girl starts cracking up before i can even look at the picture.

she is her father's daughter. and i love it.

sometimes in the fall, fall, fall.

2010-09-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

the chill autumn air makes me want to take walks. maybe to the park. and so we do.

and sometimes we wear pink.

and the wind walks away, disgruntled

2010-09-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

that is all.

shshshshop.

2010-09-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

it's coming.

and I can't go.

not fair.

my brothers blessed our family by marrying some amazing ladies with talents and an eye for style. and they are gorgeous and they are nice and they are fun. love them. I only say "sisters is laws" for clarification, but in my heart they are just my sisters. cheesy? of course. true? you know it.

so do yourself a favor and go.

do it.

seriously, did you write it down?

go now.

i'll wait.

the owl tree by kacey reed

flour by kayleen reed

they say this day will never end

2010-09-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

:: sunday afternoon ::

p-"i'm sad."

c-"why hon?"

p-"i just don't know when you and daddy are gonna died."

pause. pause.

c-"I don't know either honey."

j-"not for a long time."

c-"probably."

p-"but if you died, i won't have a family any more."

c-"petra. you will always have a family. you have rilla. and think of everyone in our family!"

j and c name extensive family

p-"but who will take care of me if you died?"

j-"all of your family that we just talked about. they would take car of you."

c-"petra, someone will always take care of you. always."

p-"but what if the person taking care of me died, then no one would take care of me."

j-"that won't happen. and if it did, someone else would take care of you."

c-"petra look at my eyes please. someone will always take care of you. I promise. always. do you believe me?"

p-"but what if they are too busy to take care of me?"

j-"oh honey, they would not be too busy!"

c-"they would not be too busy petra. they would love to take care of you. do you trust me? do you believe me?"

p-" ... yeah. ..."

c-"petra look at my face."

p looks up

c-"most likely, we will not die. but if we do, someone will take care of you. someone will love you. always. I promise you. I promise. do you believe me? I promise. do you believe us?"

p-"yes." small smile.

j-"and petra guess what, mommy and daddy were married in the temple. we were sealed together as a family. we get to be together forever. we are a forever family. no matter what happens, we will be together again."

p-"oh! okay. i'm still a little sad that you might died though."

c-" okay honey, but you don't have to worry. everything will be just fine. we will be fine. probably mommy and daddy will take care of you. forever and ever." smile.

p-"okay."

j and c look at each other.

:: :: :: :: :: ::

c is satisfied with her response, but still has a knot in her stomach all day. she can't lie, and she can't shield. she and j can only love, and comfort. because she knows that she will die someday, and she doesn't know when. it's not all up to her. and while leaving her daughters would be devastating, death no longer makes her afraid. she has a friend on the inside. and the thought of seeing her again makes her very heart leap for the joy of it.

california, there I came.

2010-09-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

I went on a trip. 5/6 of my best friends went out to see jade's new place in irvine, CA. tiff was sorely missed. but boyoboy, it was a good time. no kids, no scheduled naps, no diapers... it was perfection.

we hit up the fashion district, the beach, lalaland, ate, slept, laughed, played, ate, laughed. it was awesome.

some highlights would be....
:: the search for britt's perfect first pair of skinny's
:: jade's attraction to britt's backside in the perfect pair of skinny's
:: tortilla's at el torito grill. hot with honey butter. crave.
:: sante alley (aka little mexico. holla, or rather, hola!)
:: apple pie chocolate covered apple. better than you could ever imagine.
:: free samples at the swap meet
:: jessica's bed head
:: trying to define what "lets just dress comfy" means.... ahaha still makes me laugh.

really, there is too many to count and they probably won't be funny to anyone else. britt took all the photo's, and I didn't take out my camera until I was waiting for jeff to pick me up. I was too busy lovin' life. I can't wait until next year, when we take seattle by storm. tiff, you are coming. no arguments.

new do. new 'tude.

2010-09-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

i paint my nails now.

so, wow.

I got a lot of really awesome comments on that last post. it was great to read everyones thoughts, ideas, tales. the feedback was great, the support amazing. guys. thanks. truly truly.

I have taken in all of the suggestions, talked to my doctor, implemented a few things, and have already lost a few el bees. here is to (finally!) succeeding. i can do this. i can do this.

now it is off to cali to be with people who know me well. i plan on burning several calories laughing my ... head... off.

truths and lies

2010-09-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

( rills. check that face. delicious.)

I don't like change. and neither does my body apparently. here is the dealio, yo.

I weigh more now than I ever have in my life.

I can't believe that I just put that on the internet.

I kinda feel sick.

but it's all I can think about.

which sucks, because what kind of selfish person thinks about themselves all the time? this kind. apparently.

rillbot is 15 months old. I have been working out fairly consistently since she was born. I have tried to watch what I eat, for the most part. and I have only gained weight.

I have lost a few pounds, here and there, with very strict diets that made me cry myself to sleep because I felt to awful. awful like shaky, weak, nauseous and crazy. they never stuck, obviously. but for the most part, the scale has slowly been climbing. since I got pregnant with pita.

I don't get it. I know my diet is not perfect. my exercise routine is not perfect. but I feel like the things I do, and the things other people do, have insanely different results.

the last few weeks I have made a renewed effort. exercise for an hour five days a week. don't eat after seven. there was my birthday weekend, we had guests. I made a few exceptions. got back on track.

I finally braved the scale this morning.

I gained two pounds.

I am so tired of thinking about this, but I am afraid if I stop, I will balloon even higher, and my health will deteriorate as I get older. i gotta get this under control.

so I gotta know.

how in the freakin' world do you all lose weight? be honest. is it ridiculously hard, and I am totally kidding myself? or is my metabolism just some kind of genetic joke? help me out peops. share your tales. I need a reality check.

(how obnoxious are pity-party posts? all it's missing are a few more capital letter vowels strung together followed by a thousand exclamation marks... how embarrassing)

(**post edit** it's been five minutes and I am already embarrassed that I published this. yikes. but since it's out there... gimme your two cents anyway? kthanks.)

september, first

2010-08-31T17:45:00.000-07:00

"i look raintastic."

veintiséis

2010-08-28T22:56:00.000-07:00

dear chelsea,

yo yo. you are now 26 calendar years old, as is the traditional way of marking time in your culture. you are still married, still a mom of two. still battle (crippling!) feelings of self-doubt. still think jeff is the funniest guy around. maybe even more now actually, as you spend more and more of your free time together. you still like to read, and run, and write occasionally. you still do not enjoy having your picture taken, and would like to have more photos of memories, but still hate taking them. you still have the same girlfriends, even though you live in (3!) separate states now. you still hate the commercials for scary movies, because there is just no warning. dark and evil is not your thing. at all. even if it is all fake. ick. you still get eczema, gross. you still prefer to wear pjs anytime you are in your house, even if it slides you right in to the cliche of "letting yourself go." you still want (desperately!) to move back to arizona. your hair is thinner then it was. just slightly. you have more bags under your eyes. you are starting to see a woman's face in the mirror, and something about that satisfies you. you are starting to wrap your mind around writing a book, even as just a writing exercise. you love your girls more than you ever thought was possible. they make you laugh. you are (slightly!) more okay with just being who you are and can (almost!) let go of what other people think. a little bit. slowly. you are more and more forgetting what your own "taste" is, and yet somehow you know yourself better than ever. you learned a lot this year. mostly about one thing. one thing with endless aspects to think about.

you lost ashley.

(!!!)

this is all you can really think about, in your quiet moments. it is a wound. a wound that is bandaged, but still affecting everyday life. always. sometimes you bump it unexpectedly, and the depth of the pain takes your breath away for a moment. sometimes you have to unwrap the bandage, flush out the wound. it hurts and you cry, but it's necessary to remove the debris. you redress the wound. you work around it, get on with your life, but it is always there. you don't always talk about it, or acknowledge it. sometimes you can even (momentarily!) forget about it. but it is there, and always will be.

you learned about loss. about hope. about charity. about faith. you questioned your faith, like a bridge you have spent years building, then had to finally take the first step to cross. would it hold? you thought about people, and how you never really know what others are carrying around with them, all the time. the unseen wounds the keep bandaged and out of sight. you have taken long looks at the idea of "the rest of my life" and let your mind mess around with the idea of quantifying it. you have had sacred moments. sacred and precious beyond earthly measure.

last year you wrote ..."it feels like a monster in the dark, looming. only a matter of time before the wave crashes over you, washing you in your trials." -- what did you know? what did you know?

and so yes, another year has gone by. and this one has changed how you proceed from here on out, permanently. but I guess now you realize, some things are important, and some things are not. rearrange accordingly.

enjoy your cake, enjoy your daughters, enjoy your husband, enjoy your family, enjoy your shaved legs in clean pjs.

yours, of course.

chelsea

ps. you should have taken your self-imposed traditional self-portrait earlier. next year, next year.

unsocially acceptable

2010-08-26T08:28:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling unsocial. we've been spending our days at home, just the three of us. waiting patiently for dad to come home each night. taking our time doing whatever is is we are doing. playing, sitting, laying, laughing. I've just been loving on their faces. we've had some lovely days, relaxed and easy. we've had some days where we lived from mess to mess and by day's end I am a tad frazzled and wondering why we didn't leave the house. but I just haven't felt the need to find company outside these walls.

I don't know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing.

like, am I stuck in my place of comfort? or simply content?

then I read this, and I am going with the latter. I know it's not quite the same, since I spend my "alone" time with three other people, but it's kind of a neighboring vein in my mind.

that being said... more family coming to visit this weekend. and we'll be celebrating my birthday. that kinda social I can get behind. gimme cake.

new kicks

2010-08-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

::and the color is called cactus flower... how perfect is that?

jello hearts

2010-08-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

it's really hot today. 85 in the house and we are all sticky messes. I decided that jello jigglers sounded amazing for some reason. cold and squishy. we whipped some up and stuck em in the fridge to set. somewhere in the back of my mind I remember we don't own any cookie cutters...

this afternoon, as they set, I drifted in an out of sleep on the couch. somewhere in the in-between, I hear it.

ashley is gone!

it was loud and sudden and it hurt. this happens sometimes, when I let my guard down. like I always do, I let my mind wander over the pain and the memories and think about her face for a minute. she is laughing. she had the best smile when she laughed. "I miss you Ashley." I whisper, like I always do.

after a minute I got up and we checked the jigglers. done!

I looked in the drawer and hey, cookie cutters. a tiny heart and a gingerbread man. they had been ashley's. I forgot that I had brought them home with me. they were in her sink with crumbs on them when we cleaned her place. she must have used them not too long ago. I remember wondering who she had made cookies for.

we used these two cookie cutters and made some lovely jello shapes. it made me feel better to touch her things, to think about her making cookies, using these two perfectly sweet shapes. I watched the girls have fun making them.

I have a few of her things around, I use them frequently. "thanks, ash." I whisper, like I always do.

mom, i love aunt nelly.

2010-08-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

my aunt nelly came to visit!

we went to dinner and had hamburgers. my dinner looked like chicken nuggets, but it was mac and cheese bites!

we made funny faces too.

we went to the toy store and played trains.

she made rilla laugh with a orangutan puppet!

mom bought us pin wheels, I call them "spinnies" because I thought pinwheels didn't make any sense.

we played in the back yard when we waited to go to whidbey island.

and ate lunch at a restaurant with blueberry pancakes.

then we walked around the island in the rain

and took the ferry home. I matched aunt nelly!

aunt nelly is my very best friend, and I miss her very very much!

having chanel here is like getting a best friend, a therapist, a nanny, and a hero all in one visit. my girls adored her and were oh so sad to see her go. I was quite sad myself. she is one of my favorite people on planet earth and I look up to her so much, even if she is the little sister. come again nels, I love you! besides, I really need an excuse to make salted carmel brownies again...

primal

2010-08-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

rilla

gorilla

ps:: very much appreciation for your "cool" validation. it made me smile. a lot.

i love me a vans man.

2010-08-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

I really wish I knew how to make pictures bigger on here.

this just adds to the fact that I am decidedly uncool.

I couldn't sleep last night. I had the heebie-jeebies thanks to the spider that wouldn't die and his two giant buddies. it was just like the plot of a thriller. enemy discovered, (hanging from the ceiling in the dark hallway where i almost ran into him) at first you don't think you are in danger, then oh no! they are in pursuit of you. you struggle and then you lose sight of him. where'd he go? he's right behind you! the audience (in my head) screams. you fight back (spray raid) and then he's dead. whew. oh wait, where'd the body go? he's not dead and he's coming at you! more struggle! there, he must be dead now. he's not moving. (legs curled up and everything.) you feel a sense of relief until he summons up his strength and is suddenly sprinting on 8 cylinders (legs) right at you! again you go for the kill, smash, no chance of survival. but still, how can you be sure of anything anymore?

I went to throw away the paper towel I used and right in front of the trash can? a giant spider. bigger than the last one. great. then I was sitting on the couch, skin already crawling and out of the corner of my eye... another spider. BIGGER THEN THE SECOND SPIDER. I swear I killed the favorite son and they were all after me. For the record this was the 7 or 8th spider I had seen yesterday. my skin was crawling, hair on end, i couldn't stop scratching. I was shaken up. PTSD.

as I lay awake in my bed I tried to think of anything else. that's when I realized. I am truly uncool.

I have been seeing a lot of commercials for back to school. it made me miss it so much. the back to school clothes, the new pencils, pens, highlighters notebooks, the excitement of a new year, new classmates. I can distinctly remember the smell of the classrooms at Edison Elementary on the first day of school. The way the desks felt cool and smooth under my forearm, except for the edge where someone had scratched in a couple of notches with their pencil. In grade school I always felt smart. I was really good at swinging high and doing flips on the bars. I was very bad at tether ball, but that's okay, it was just a way to kill time until it was my turn on the bars. I long to feel confident in some simple skills again.

I also thought about high school. I know it's unrad to miss HS (go toros!) but boy, sometimes I do. I had a great HS experience. crushes, friends, journalism class with interesting people, seeing CJ Eager with his awesome hair at the sophomore lockers for the first time and thinking "HS is awesome," weekends out, outfits for weekends out, sweethearts, black nike's oldschool with white swishes, lunch!, heartbreak, my girls and our many, many dance parties, pink lace homecoming dresses with brock mason as my date, 5 minute locker breaks and walking all the way there just to say "hey." and maybe pass on a note. see? I am a total nerd. I could go on and on. it was just fun. I had a blast and sometimes I wax nostalgic and wish I could hang again. just for a bit. I'm like the townie who can never let go of the championship game, and still wears his letter jacket. sometimes I think about cross country or track practice and think... "wow, I had so much time where I was just allowed to try and get good at something I loved." if only I would have appreciated that on those long days of practice. if only I could have that now, when I know better what sacrifice really is. sometimes remembering HS chelsea gives me some motivation to sponsor an archeology dig and try to dust off some of her traits.

I also spend a lot of time worrying about the future and what could happen.

see? decidedly uncool. but at least it help me fall asleep eventually.

I am getting better at "living in the moment" as they say. and there is something to be said about being a mother and it's infinite rewards and my darling girls and my out of this world crazy awesome husband. maybe just a little something. I have just come to realize that I am lame, and maybe I am okay with that.

little sister chanel comes tonight and i can't wait.

she loves me, cool or not.

I've got dreams baby

2010-08-02T23:41:00.000-07:00

my clarisonic brush broke today. it's been ill for a while, but today it just gave up the ghost. this is distressing, because it makes my bad skin not so bad. I miss it already.

also today, I booked tix for a trip to cali to hang with my girls. I don't blog mention them tons, but really, I got a group of increds ladies that I have been friends with for years and years. britt and jade since 5th grade. tiffers since 8th, katie and jess since 10th. they know me better than I know myself, and I can't wait to spend some time with em. it cost me some scrilla, but me thinks it'll be worth it. I expect lots of inappropriate jokes, late night dance parties, beach time and possibly a trip to the flea market to buy platform flip flops and bug-eye sunglasses. oh and jade, i have to change planes on my flight so I am going carry-on style. expect me to borrow your hair products.

but it also means I absolutely can not buy another clarisonic brush right now. i just might have to pimp myself out to their customer service rep.

ar,,,izon,,,a,,,

2010-07-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

i miss me some arizona sunset. i have been reading the fb chatter about monsoon season. it makes me a bit homesick. and a smidge warmed by anticipation. somehow, someday, i'll open my windows to a mesa evening rain. i can't wait.

rain on warm asphalt is intoxicating, even if it is just the scent of wet tar.

explaining that I'm just visiting

2010-07-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

a migraine two afternoons in a row. results? a grotesquely messy house. the daily avalanche of ... shtuff ... has rolled right over me and settled nicely in a blanket of clutter.

one migraine is understandable, but two must look like I'm faking.

sinking into that imafailure state of mind

in sunshine, in sunshine

2010-07-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

clarkie's here to visit! (and I will probably call him clarkie until we are old and grey) we hit up the beach to show an AZ kid the sound, get him some fish and chips, a true northwest fare, and let him taste saltwater air. it made for a lovely summer evenin'. love having family here, it makes me happy. my adorable offspring don't hurt neither.

99% perspiration...

2010-07-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

some might say crazy...

I say pure genius.

"... the words have all been said ..."

2010-07-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

(wolf whistle)

jeff turned 27 yesterday. he wears it well.

"... when I look at you, I've caught myself off-guard a time or two..."

in all things cliche, he is my best friend. he knows me well, because he cared to. it is oh so flattering.

"..in less than twenty words you made me whole darn day ..."

I am very glad he is a part of my life landscape. a part that never, never has to change. the rest is just details.

"... I'll go to bed at 23 and wake up 65, next to you that would be just fine, that's be just fine..."

I don't know why you picked me. I don't why you love me. but you did and you do and I did and do, too.

"... oh, I just love you ..."

d.a.t.h., i just do.

summer some less

2010-07-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

gotta love rills' party face. between that face and pita's gams, we got ourselves some trouble.

art and spirit

2010-07-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

... here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above ...

-Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

i challenge you

2010-07-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

sunday

july eleventh

two thousand ten

one fifty two p.m.

happy trails, to you

2010-07-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

nothing says good morning like waking up to your husband saying:

"I have to leave. R is awake and crying, and apparently P peed on the floor somewhere."

:: flash back so yesterday ::

p- "this is chloe. she's getting married." (holds up doll)

my friend L- "oh yeah? what's her husbands name?"

p- "phliphla. no glilum. no, it's chloe too."

me- "chloe and chloe? how very european."

p- (looks down in great dismay and embarrassment, then shoots me a look of full indignation) "No, I am not PEEIN'!"

:: ::

"huh, okay... great. have a good day babe. awesome"

"mommy I just got some p.p. on the floor. it was just a little assident. rilla is awake."

I get out of bed and head to the kitchen to get R's bottle before I go and get my little sunshine face.

"mom, don't step in my p.p."

look down. a trail of pee runs from the hall bathroom, to the kitchen. too late. my foots wet.

how do you get pee ... ? "oh geez. okay. thanks P."

did I mention I just woke up?

I head in to get R and give her the bottle. typically the best part of my day.

I walk in, reach down to save her from her crib in exile.

she backs away from me, and shoots me a cartoonishly exaggerated glare of annoyance. daggers.

:: flash back to middle of the previous night ::

R crying, P crying.

we get R up, I offer to hold her and give her a bottle. P heads off to sleep in mom and dads bed.

get R tylenol and a bottle, doesn't want the bottle. back in the fridge.

eye rubbing, yawning, cuddling... someone obviously needs to go back to sleep.

a cuddle, a snuggle, a gentle laying back in the crib... "AAAAEEEEEEHHHHHHH!"

more love, more angry screams, love, screams.

I finally leave her to cry it out.

:: ::

"good morning hon!" (reach out my arms lovingly)

death stare.

someone's not over it.

p- (looking out the window) "see, mom, I told you it was just a beautiful day!"

happy friday!

sun some sum

2010-07-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

friends

slip 'n' slide

watermelon

our pretend, short, wanna-be summer has arrived.

milkin' it.

"no boys allowed"

2010-07-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

no prompting necessary.

le bébé d'avoir un an ans

2010-07-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

remember this one?

she turned one last month.

the theme? polka dot rainbow, including homemade decorations by big sister.

she wore a brand new plain white onesie. my favorite thing for babies, and just what i had envisioned with the colorful decor.

white cake cupcakes with chocolate frosting in primary color baking cups, with rainbow dot sprinkles, generously distributed by big sister.

birthday girl had balloons, cousins, pizza and arizona breezes.

i like celebrating first birthdays. against all odds, we made it through alive. we survived the first year of sleepless nights, hostage holding hormones and avoided harm or accident. we laid the building blocks to the art of nourishment, play, and communication. marking the day is a nod and smile, acknowledging that it isn't always easy to get a baby here, happy and healthy. I am grateful.

I am glad you are here miss rills. you are a bundle of joy, and you bring a crazy amount of love and happiness into my days.

sand, pink and blue

2010-07-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

i love space. i love having a house with no one living above me, no one sharing our walls. a fence around a little bit of earth for us to claim for a time. privacy, solitude.

i can leave my house and take my children to play at a park close by, laugh and breath and feed them sunshine.

i can dress my children in patriotic garb, and minivan them up the road to a church, to practice our Religion, that I know to be true.

Father in Heaven bless this land, help me remember the price that was paid.

this is my Happiness, and my right to pursue it.

and she married him

2010-07-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

this is my little brother, karl

and his new bride, kacey.

this picture simply does not do them justice

but aren't they a lovely couple?

kacey is truly beautiful

inside and out.

stunning.

they were married back in May, and what a happy day. it was a bittersweet feeling, to be gathered together, and watch a member of our family be so happy after our family has experienced so much heartache. ashley was truly, achingly missed.

but oh, the couple was so very happy.

i felt so much gratitude, to see my little brother adore, and be so adored.

karl is so well liked, and so easily loved.

but to hear kacey say she loved him because he was "good"

was all I needed to hear.

my big sister protectiveness melted away

and I knew he had found the one.

a great one, at that.

the best.

best wishes, and congratulations k&k reed.

love you to pieces, come visit.

new

2010-07-02T18:18:00.000-07:00

new place

things to tell

and I finally found the tiny black piece of technology

I need to share it all

identity

2010-05-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

::rilla johnson (far left) circa 1927::

old photos make me happy. the tones, the mystery. it's a moment by moment time machine. a split second in time, frozen. surely God gave us photography out of pure kindness. such a simple thing, such a large benefit. the hearts of the children turn to their fathers. philotic reachings to bind us.

i love them so much, it almost makes me not loath having my picture taken, for posterity. almost.

::tony johnson, rilla johnson (siblings) circa 1929::

2010-05-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

enter yourself here. it will be well worth it. you have until sunday. seriously, she has an impeccable eye and mad skills.

you can check it out at flour on etsy.

while you are in the neighborhood, also check out midstate vintage.

both are a good time for the eyes, and you just may find something you can't live without. I do, all the time.

mama who bore me

2010-04-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

free clothes are the best.

baby ivory sweater with pink flowers, ruffle collar and pearl buttons.

white baby dress with purple tulips and lace detailing

knit with love,

someone's old-fashioned homemade sweater and cap

my friend kathleen let me go through some clothes she was getting ready to donate.

these are just a few of the beauties I found.

I can't wait to put them on Rills.

oh, how I appreciate being thought of as a reuse-friendly shopper.

"Or maybe it's your soul. ...

2010-04-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

The thing that God wrapped in a body and turned into a man.”*

I stayed up late last night to clean. I cleaned the kitchen and the guest bathroom, including the floors.

I organized the closet.

I exfoliated my feet. I laid on my back on the floor and stared at the ceiling. I found and read old poetry from my teens. Mostly terrible, but a decent phrase here and there.

I thought about being young, and whatever that meant. I thought about paint colors. I did a little inventory, and made a few plans. Lists.

But mostly I relished the quiet and hearing my thoughts and held my breath every time a child stirred.

*Ender in Exile, Orson Scott Card

signs that life is moving forward

2010-04-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

I have been buying multiple new eye shadows lately. I have no idea how to do the "face" of a 25 year old. I have also been painting my toenails again. I stopped because someone mentioned once that it was for little girls and I felt self-conscious, but heck, I like painting my toenails. and "Grey by Grey" is a great color (and a killer phrase).

I have also been musing about the fact that I have become far too comfortable with dirty diapers. I changed the Rills' diaper in the hall at church (no one was around, and hey, I am pretty fast) it was just a wet diaper, no trash can around, and I was in a hurry so I threw it in my purse. There it stayed and I worked around it for several hours till I finally got around to throwing it out late that night. The next morning I put a messy diaper on the table (sorry jeff) so I could wash my hands and make breakfast. it sat there for far too long. gross, and a bit disconcerting? I think so too.

This morning I headed straight to the store without even washing my face. I knew I was gonna work out later, so why do my makeup if it was just gonna sweat off in a couple of hours? I threw my hair in a loose pony, sported my glasses, a big soft tee and comfy jeans and flip-flops and by golly, it felt great. comfortable and great.

I have been thinking and dreaming about a house. I feel I have done my time apartment wise, and I am ready for something new. A driveway is up there on the list of dreams right next to a night nanny and world peace.

....

all these things funnel down to the realization that my thoughts have been wandering off a certain subject. not to be forgotten, but not to monopolize my every thought. my breaths have been deeper, my chest lighter. I still get side swiped from time to time, but the quicksands are getting fewer and farther between. less sadness, more love. more, more love.

light and shadow

2010-03-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

yesterday we went for frozen yogurt. mom, me, the girls, nells, sarah. we told petra it was a special, girl fun adventure. we loaded up in the van. petra was excited. it was fun to see her excited. light.

kays and the boys met us there. light.

the whole time there was a weight sitting on my chest. a sister was missing. shadow.

I couldn't even touch it. mention her. everyone was going to think I was insensitive, of course I should mention her not being there. slight panic. I can't touch it. I'm driving. shadow.

the boys ran up to petra wanting her to come over as soon as she got her yogurt. light.

petra loved getting to choose her topping. light.

ash really likes frozen yogurt. shadow.

I think she really liked frozen yogurt. or am I just thinking that she did, because she is everywhere these days? slight panic because an invaluable detail escapes me. shadow.

in all likely hood she would have probably been at work, in the middle of the work week, in the middle of the day. light. shadow. it let me breath. because she was probably just at work. yeah, would probably just be at work.

(deep breath)

2010-03-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

ashley and chelsea

(circa ... 1988? 1989?)

my older sister ashley passed away.

I have no idea where to start. it's making me panic, blogging post... post... well there was before then there was just after. breaking that seal, what is there to say? too much. not enough. the wrong words. too many of the right words. my mind and thoughts and emotions are in a large knot. how to untangle it? I have no idea. let alone explain it. will writing be therapeutic? so many of my feelings feel so private and sacred. between sissy's. my big sister, just older than me, and myself. my grief, that is to say my own grief, is my own.

but I would be remiss if I did not say thank you, and only hope that you could know how much I mean it.

the seal is broken. I don't know if there will be more, or not. probably yes, maybe no. I don't know. it doesn't sound like it but I am doing better.

spending time perfectly

2010-01-31T15:24:00.000-08:00

what waiting at the car dealership with some colorful pipe cleaners looks like.

*last four photographs courtesy of petra

"and life barrels on like a runaway train..."

2010-01-27T20:22:00.000-08:00

my daughter's imagination is strange and beautiful. while playing with her rock collection, she shows me this rock and says "look mom, it's a forget-nenots" (forget-me-nots).

I had a great day. i finally got the house almost entirely all clean at once, had a great work out, showered, had a good hair day and had friends over. it felt really great to call up a friend and say "hey, come on over tomorrow" with out a plan or pressure to have an activity or reason. she's awesome. her kids are awesome. (uh, no pressure laura)

tonight I was doing the dishes, thinking about a post about doing dishes from said friend, listening to some tunes on a mix-disc jessica gave me. petra was playing with her penny jar and rock collection jar, taking them in and out, in and out, and leaving me be. rilla was playing on the floor with a stuffed bunny petra named "toast." jeff had just left for scouts after a family dinner where we had said family prayer and read some scriptures. petra requested to hear the scripture again.

my heart was full. full.

and then I felt a twinge of grief.

moments so perfect that they almost make you sad, like nothing could ever be so perfect again*

sometimes I study petra's face and imagine what she will look like at 11. at 15. at 21. at 30. it feels like she changes just in that moment. fleeting, so fleeting.

upon further consideration, I will take my pleasure-pain grief-twinge heart-full moment and wish for a million more.

*chanel, do you know what this is from??

motivation

2010-01-25T10:11:00.000-08:00

I put rill-bot in this shirt this morning as motivation. today is grocery day and I need a little help as I walk through the valley of temptation. she seemed super psyched to model it.

post-christmas I have been recommitting to my goal.

recommitting to cardio.

recommitting to strength training.

recommitting to a sensible diet.

recommitting to portion control.

recommitting to feeling good, and "hot." yah know?

yesterday at church someone gave a talk on discipleship. i believe it pulled some quotes from this talk. the sentiment that struck me was about choosing joy over pleasure. how often am I giving in to pleasure of the moment (food or laziness) instead of choosing joy (self-discipline or energy)? it wasn't exactly the speaker's intent, but I benefitted none the less. how much happier will I be over all, if I can master this one little thing, my health? besides, I find that in the gospel the same principles are often echoed and mirrored throughout all aspects of life. committing to taking control of my physical health can give me the same tools I need for my mental health, and my spiritual health. this makes me feel more empowered than anything else.

even as I write this I know that my motivation will eventually slow, and I will get discouraged and distracted. things are so much easier said than done. I just need to remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other. it's a marathon, not a sprint. it's the journey, not the destination. "it's the climb." and all other things cliche.

and really, how cute is this baby? she is joy enough.

these things, these changes

2010-01-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

I pulled this piece of paper out of my jacket pocket recently.

one night not too long ago petra and I ran out to grab a pizza. after the pizza was paid for, they asked me to sign the receipt.

I scribbled my signature and as I handed them their copy, I saw petra's hand reach out for the pen. in her other little mitt was our copy of the receipt. she had snatched it off the counter. I handed her the pen and waited as she quickly scribbled her john hancock.

smiling to myself, I ignored the impatient sigh of the gentleman behind us. I let her hand it to the clerk, who slipped it back to me discreetly. pita walked away like it was business as usual.

:: :: ::

this morning I spent the precious minutes between finishing getting the kids fed, changed, brushed and dressed and rills' first nap of the day going through their closets and drawers. putting away clothes they have out grown, and getting out clothes that rilla would be ready to wear soon. (btw it was almost as good as a shopping trip, all those clothes in the next size up) seeing some of my favorite old clothes of petra's, soft from wash and wear, made for a tender moment or two. I could just about feel her little body, and what is was like to get her little hugs. remembering that stubborn one year old, with the curls just around nape of her neck. my buddy. when we moved here I found a lot of comfort in my little companion. I can't wait to see rill-bot sportin' some oldies but goodies... I wonder how many more youngens' they will last through?

:: :: ::

my babies are growing. petra is too tall and too observant. I need to be worthy of her copy-cat ways. and rilla... she is just my little love, anxious to follow in her sister's footsteps. I guess the ride has started already. I am a parent.

it's all a blur

2010-01-18T14:31:00.001-08:00

christmas eve 2009

I made petra look at rilla, but it's still a great picture.

there was a lot of great moments this year.

bowling and mexican food with friends.

crowded christmas lights with family.

last minute shopping for and with the husband.

lots and lots of just sitting and relishing being at home with my parents and siblings.

but among my favorite moments, are these.

rilla and jonah loved each other and chatted, held hands, and loved on each other, never making the other cry. it was a.dor.a.ble.

these boys were never too busy to help petra play, or explore nana's christmas decore.

and these boys... the look on petra's face says it all. finally, she is over her fear of elliot.

yeup, good holiday, good trip, as always.

of course, my utmost, positively favorite moment

was inadvertently catching my brother karl dancing to

miley cyrus' "party in the u.s.a." surrounded by girls.

...priceless

bum. mer.

2010-01-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

I like this picture.

but I feel like barf. and I hate the word "barf."

christmas in arizona was awesome. so awesome that it made me so very very sad. I kinda suck like that. the more fun I had, the more irritated I became that it was all going to be over soon. the lovelier I found my newest niece, the more devastated I grew. the more comforting I found the familiar, the more uncomfortable I was with not being home.

I stress. and I worry. and I fret.

The plan is to go home someday. but "someday" is so ambiguous. and I feel time just ticking away, worrying that the more time that passes, the more I will miss. I feel like there is an expiration date on everything. my nephews and nieces are only small and will want play dates for so long. my brothers and sisters are only going to be home for a a few more short years, if that. my friends are mostly all living nearby right now, who know how long that will last. their children are small, and I want them to bond like sisters and siblings while they are so young. I hate missing moments in everyones lives. I hate when pita asks over and over to see her family, not understanding that we can't go "maybe tomorrow?" the longer we are away the more we miss. and I hate that.

I find this place so lonely, despite the wonderful people I have met. I just have so many that I am so so fond of, in a hot desert land. I feel so far removed up here. people forget to tell me things. unintentionally, but still... they forget.

washington is so beautiful. but it's losing it's potency.

some people can be home where ever they are, but I don't seem to have that skill. I wonder if it is a lack of maturity, something wrong with my development. I know I am so very blessed. most of the time that is enough. my girls, my man, my shelter, my food, my transportation. these things are not lost on me, but somedays... I just wish I could have more. maybe that is selfish.

I have said this before, but a cooler person would make the most of living in such an amazing place, but I just day dream of living close to my favorite walmart and target, close enough to my friends to participate in stocking making day, close enough to invite cousins over to play, close enough to buy a house and have jade decorate it with me, close enough to have my mom watch my kids when I have dr's appointments. and the list goes on and on and on....

I am a married woman of twenty five with two children. what is wrong with me?

let's just get to the point

2009-12-16T23:23:00.000-08:00

i'm behind.

let's face it.

this stuff is old news, and who wants to read about halloween or thanksgiving now? not me, that's for sure.

but i'm doing it anyway.

deal.

purple petra princess. I had to convince her it was a special dress just for her, or should would have worn the too small cinderella dress. I really liked this one, so I had to sell it.

check those curls...

"Día de los Muertos."

the booty

petra starved all day on thanksgiving. she just wanted pie. she'd been asking for pie for a month. she also set the table, note the princesses ready to feast.

our feast! I cooked it all myself, it was alright, not terrible, not the best ever. we were sick of the leftovers by day two. never by ourselves again.

speaks for itself....

all wrapped up and ready to go.

I have been ueber stressed lately. I could name the reasons, but they are the same as everyone else's. name why you are stressed, and you got it. I am ready to shake it off and get my holiday on. I feel as though I have paid my dues, and I am ready to enjoy christmas with my family. ugh. just thinking about it makes me happier. I love christmas.... let's try that again... i love christmas! i think it's starting to sink in...