So every morning Petra watches Playhouse Disney. There is a little show called Happy Monster Band that I think is fairly clever. They play an upbeat little diddy called "I'm the Best At Being Me". Now, as dorky as it is, this song always makes me smile and yes, even makes me feel a little bit better about being me. Which I can use wherever I can get it. I think the past year and a half or so I have been thinking about this more and more. After an oh so fun round of post-partum depression, and having to learn who-the-heck-am-I all over again, and the recent move and shove back in time to being the new-kid-at-school, self-evaluation has been a constant. Now, I know I am not the only one with self-esteem issues in the world. I am fairly sure that every woman (am I a woman already?) has their moments of feeling oh so small. When did this start happening? When in history did women start having to have bodies perfect enough to wear lingerie-dresses? When did I give myself the chance to say (jokingly?) that I needed to "do something to blog about"?
This is crazy.
So lately I have been trying real hard to change things around. (New place, new game face right?) No one knows me here, so they don't know I am not the friendliest person around. I should try it. I can't pull off a lot of AZ-EastMesa-SunshineSkin fashion, so here, I am gonna start wearing what I am gonna wear. One brown-shoes-with-black-tights combo at a time. Psh. And although I will still have my days of wondering "what in the world am I supposed to do?" and "what kind of a mother am I?" and "is that really what I look like?" and "what kind of moron breaks a whole bottle of nail polish onto their lap and couch?" (true and recent story) ... I think I will try to feel a little bit better about myself. I mean, some people like me. Some people even love me. There's gotta be some redeeming qualities about me... Maybe I can quit worrying about it quite so much.
It seems that lately this desire has been followed by tender mercies from above. Wonderful lessons in Relief Society about being women in todays world, accompanied with a comparatively quiet daughter to let me listen. Being guided to a ward that seems to have some spiritual giants, and the Spirit telling me I have a lot to learn here. Sweet words from a husband who can say just the right thing sometimes. Comforting words from a Prophet of God who has passed, but left words of wisdom behind. The Gospel has all the answers, and sometimes I remember to feel so grateful to be a member. Prayer and Scripture will always help me to know who I am. The less time I spend thinking about myself, the more time I will have to think of others. (oh lofty, lofty goals)
Of course, sometimes a good episode of "How to Look Good Naked" can also boost my spirits. (thanks Carson)
11 comments:
i think you are the very best at pulling off you.
and if it's of any consolation, i've always thought that you've had your own thing going on. which in my book, is quite the accomplishment.
i worry too much about trying to be original or "doing my own thing", that i may come across as a snotty elitist. i don't like that about myself. i should focus more on the things that really matter.
it's hard for me, but i'm trying.
great introspective.
i think this is a wonderful time (not to mention difficult at times) for all of us trying to make the transition from young adults to adults. i've learned the most about myself in the past few years than i have my whole life.
and yes, you're right. people do love and like you so you obviously have something unique to offer the world!
I'm one of those people that loves you. I echo the comment above that I've always thought you've had your own awesome thing going on... and that means you're great.
We all have those moments of feeling small (for me - basically every time I watch TV and am reminded my boobs aren't huge... I mean, why should I care anyway?), but the important thing is that we remember what really matters. And yes, thank heavens for the gospel to remind us of that.
kays - I think you are very inclusive to new people. And even though I was glad I was related to you and you HAD to be my friend, (yesssss! for me) you always made me feel welcome. you can't help it that you are very very awesome.
diana - I concur. So much learning.
angela - thank you kindly friend. and oh my... just wait until you are prego. you will be a'missin' that easy to dress smaller chest. A larger chest is not what it is cracked up to be. At all. Not even a little bit.
honestly, i wonder if i'll ever really feel comfortable with (or even know) "what i'm all about." most days i have no idea and it makes me feel a little ashamed. i want to embrace the me that i am and love love love it. but instead, i pick myself apart.
why DO we do this?
it baffles me. and it makes me wonder if anyone else feels the same way, because there are so many *seemingly* confident people out there. i'm glad to know that i'm not the only one who wonders that. thanks for sharing your thoughts.
if only i could turn off that little section of my brain...
Speaking of prophets passed, here's a legit sermon President Faust gave last May at a CES fireside:
http://lds.org/library/display/0,4945,538-1-4136-1,00.html
And let's not forget what Lucille Ball said, "Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line."
Easy for Lucy to say, since everyone thinks "I love Lucy" when they think of her.
Chels, you are indeed Cool Chelsea. The Coolest Chelsea. I'm baffled that you could ever have a low opinion of yourself. I know you best and love you most, so there.
This is a strange time in our lives. I feel like we're being pulled in two opposite directions and we're about to either snap in half or get violently flung one way or the other. There really is no 'easing' into parenthood. I just hope to get flung in the right direction.
Chelsea. I love you and you are great! I have known you forever now-- since like 5th grade??
You are a friendly girl and everyone just loves you for you; because you are you!
Sometimes it is SO easy to get down on ourselves, especially when we are inside all day taking care of cranky kids! Our needs/wants sometimes go unnoticed. You need to make time for yourself so you can relax and remember what makes you happy. Tyler lets me go get pedicures, shop, or just go have girl time when he gets off work a few times a month and I love him for it!
P.S.
Are you going to Utah for Jess's wedding?
sarah - yeah I don't know if anyone is truly truly confident. Maybe some people some close, but completely confident? Prolly not. (at least that is what I tell myself) and I don't know if I'll ever stop picking myself apart totally, but maybe I can let up a little bit. sometimes. on holidays.
myke- thanks for the talk reference. It was a boost. and lucille ball... such wisdom. you rock.
jeff- I love you. Now the whole wide web knows it.
andrea - goooood advice. and thank you. we have known each other forever. wow. and yes! I am going to Jessica's wedding. soooooo excited.
nail polish bottle breaking on the lap.. happens to me all the time, no worries.
and i hear you about all that other stuff. i just bought a gym membership for the first time in my fat life and have worked out enough days in a row that i'm like addicted now. i really don't look any better.. but i FEEL amazing. and that's much more important.
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