jeff and I were talking about our first date the other night. and about flirting and dating. I remembered the little things I did to try and let him know I liked him.
I tried to remember who she was. I tried to feel her, be her for a second. I couldn't find her.
I could access all her memories, and remember what it felt like, but only like I was reading her diary. how could I change this much in five years?
I can remember thinking when we got married that I certainly would be that wife that still acted like the girlfriend, the fiance, the newlywed. time wouldn't change me, not if I didn't let it. I would do it all and be it all. I could if I really wanted to.
I failed.
I can't even put her skin on any more.
I look different. my hair is darker, I am "curvier" (to be polite), I have permanent circles under my eyes, I have stretch marks, hallmarking age and the two children I have grown inside my body.
I feel different. the world is more frightening, I worry about the future, I ponder over the challenge of rearing my children when I don't feel "reared" myself, all because I have taken on the responsibilities of adulthood.
I act different. my patience seems to have a limit, I forget things and am not as considerate as I would like to be, I prioritize things in an entirely different way than I ever thought I would, these things all pointing to the fact that I have missed the standard I have set for myself. by quite the margin.
somehow, now, with the most accomplishments under my belt, I feel the least confident. I miss the girl who could feel attractive. I miss the girl who felt like she was funny. I miss the girl who would read books. actual books, by the armful. when it comes down to it, I miss feeling interesting.
I love my daughters. they are beautiful and clever and sweet and loving. I love my husband. he is hard working and handsome and witty and intelligent. some days I tear up with joy at this foundation I possess.
some days I am crushed under the weight of achieving the next level.
I can't be her anymore. but who will I be?
13 comments:
Chelsea, this post inspired me to go for a run even though it's been cold and rainy all day. Thanks.
Also, you are a really good writer.
Also, I like your new blog layout.
myke - cold and rainy runs are my favorite. you have to run to get warm. great motivation. you're welcome.
-thank you
-thank you
this made me cry. not because it's sad, -- i don't think it is -- but because i think it's beautiful. like really beautiful. so much talent, chelsea. and time changes everyone. love you.
It is so easy to loose yourself in motherhood and married life--most people do. Maybe you should get a babysitter and go out with your husband and do something out of the norm....
I love how you write, by the way. I think you speak for a LOT of people--including me!
all thoughts that moms have once thought, i'm sure. or at least thoughts i myself have had at one point or another, but that's what makes you the new beautiful. finding out who this new person is, what your strengths are, figuring out your weaknesses and discovering the raw underneath and learning to not be afraid of it. learning who the deepest inner self truly is and becoming comfortable with who this "new" person is, is a hard but crucial part of growing up. and the more you learn and discover about yourself the more you will become the confident, strong woman that your family will look up to and admire. someone that even your flirty young self would hope to grow up to be.
this is so beautiful.
do i sound like a broken record? i just keep re-reading it.
Thanks for making me cry. Well said and understood.
it's hard to let her go, isn't it? i've thought this a million times, about how much i really loved the person i was 5, 6 years ago and somehow i've let her slip away. but then i wonder, i reeeeally wonder, if in 5 years from now, if i'll miss me now. (does that make any sense?) and because of that wonder, i try to celebrate and love me now, which is not an easy task.
and who knows, the "next level" might be everything you've ever dreamed. i bet it will.
amazing...
and we can all relate.
keep writing. i love it so much.
I didn't know you back then, but I think you are interesting, funny, and beautiful now.
I'm afraid I also feel the fear of the future and the unknown.
oh my dear chelsea bug...i knew you then and you didn't appreciate yourself even then! you were funny and all of those other thing but you never seemed to know it! so why now? and i agree with sara!!! you are a new and different person but you will regret it in five years from now if you don't appreciate you taday! we were always better five years ago. but you my dear have a confidence about you today that in all my 13 years of being your friend have never seen. it is a quiet confidence that speaks volumes to me. love yourself for who you are right now...stretch marks and all. (i know i am trying to do the same..being ok with everything i said i would do and didn't)
I've been feeling the same way lately. I don't know if it's the point we're at in our lives or the PPD that causes it but it sucks. Just know that you're amazing. You'll get confident at this role, too. Remember how long it takes to gain confidence as a teenager and give yourself some credit.
Thanks for putting my own feelings into words. You wrote it beautifully.
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