I like this picture.
but I feel like barf. and I hate the word "barf."
christmas in arizona was awesome. so awesome that it made me so very very sad. I kinda suck like that. the more fun I had, the more irritated I became that it was all going to be over soon. the lovelier I found my newest niece, the more devastated I grew. the more comforting I found the familiar, the more uncomfortable I was with not being home.
I stress. and I worry. and I fret.
The plan is to go home someday. but "someday" is so ambiguous. and I feel time just ticking away, worrying that the more time that passes, the more I will miss. I feel like there is an expiration date on everything. my nephews and nieces are only small and will want play dates for so long. my brothers and sisters are only going to be home for a a few more short years, if that. my friends are mostly all living nearby right now, who know how long that will last. their children are small, and I want them to bond like sisters and siblings while they are so young. I hate missing moments in everyones lives. I hate when pita asks over and over to see her family, not understanding that we can't go "maybe tomorrow?" the longer we are away the more we miss. and I hate that.
I find this place so lonely, despite the wonderful people I have met. I just have so many that I am so so fond of, in a hot desert land. I feel so far removed up here. people forget to tell me things. unintentionally, but still... they forget.
washington is so beautiful. but it's losing it's potency.
some people can be home where ever they are, but I don't seem to have that skill. I wonder if it is a lack of maturity, something wrong with my development. I know I am so very blessed. most of the time that is enough. my girls, my man, my shelter, my food, my transportation. these things are not lost on me, but somedays... I just wish I could have more. maybe that is selfish.
I have said this before, but a cooler person would make the most of living in such an amazing place, but I just day dream of living close to my favorite walmart and target, close enough to my friends to participate in stocking making day, close enough to invite cousins over to play, close enough to buy a house and have jade decorate it with me, close enough to have my mom watch my kids when I have dr's appointments. and the list goes on and on and on....
I am a married woman of twenty five with two children. what is wrong with me?
9 comments:
I know what you mean about having your Wal-Mart and Target. I hated grocery shopping when I first moved to Colorado. I was so used to the tiny grocery store in Rexburg where it was so easy to find everything.
oh chels.
i often wonder if i would have these same thoughts if we were to move away. i don't deal well with change and i imagine that the first 6 months to a year i would miss home, and then when i finally did return home, "someday", i would miss the time i spent at my "old-new" home. does that makes sense?
your thoughts and feelings are valid... nothing is wrong with you. what a good trait to have: loving and caring about your family and wanting to spend time with them.
my sweet sweet chelsea! distance is hard it isn't fair! i know i am one of those who forgets to tell you things because i don't get to talk to you as much, and i some how asume you already know! i miss you so much i tummy hurts! having you visit is bittersweet and i can 100% relate to your feelings of loving every minute and then hating it at the same time because you know it is going to end too soon! if i could wish you home or pray you home you would already be here but "someday" it seems is still all we are waiting for but don't worry because when one baby gets big more are sure to follow. so we have more time until "someday" comes too late. so just keep waiting and know that we miss you as much as you miss us even if we aren't always the best at showing it! love you
I don't judge becuase I agree COMPLETELY! Everday I think that the only reason I'm OBSSESSED with AZ is becuase I grew up here. Until I talk with my hundreds of different patients that ALL moved here from some where else and don't ever want to leave either. And then I realize that AZ really is a great place. So I agree with you. I guess I'm a LAME person too, becuase wherever I live I will never be home ANYWHERE but here.
nothing is wrong with you. it's rough with no end date to focus on, no countdown chain. i think you're doing as well as anyone would. it will feel more like home once petra starts school.
you referring to jeff as "my man" made me laugh. good stuff.
I can completely relate to this. This Christmas was the first one we attended with family in 3 years. Our past few Christmases were nice but they always included a teary phone call where I'd hear all my nieces and nephews having fun and my siblings playing games without us.
We had a long chat about things before we went to Mesa because I was excited and worried about seeing all my friends I love and care about while realizing that they've all moved on without me. Of course we're still "friends" but all we can talk about is old times because most of us haven't shared any new times. And it's even harder when you see them sharing their new times together without you.
But then I remember the things Danny and I have gotten to do that most other people won't. And I think of the "new times" i had with my friends in Illinois that I would have missed out on if I'd stuck with what was most comfortable to me.
Just know that people miss having you around even if they don't remember to vocalize it. And wear your adventures with pride. It might inspire more visitors to your neck of the woods and encourage people to seek out some adventures of their own.
I am sad we missed you on this visit, but I am glad you had a fun Christmas!
if something is wrong with you, something is wrong with me too. and i didn't even grow up in az. but my friends have become part of my family and i rely on them probably more than they know.
the unintentional forgetting is hard. oh, so hard. as are facebook status updates of get-togethers where you haven't seen an invite. i'm not helping, i realize. i just understand too well.
but when that "someday" occurs for both of us and we get back to where our heart lies, we will revel in the goodness, in the familiarity of grocery store aisles and "i'll be over in 5 minutes"'s more than anyone. and we'll revel that our time away helped us gain an appreciation for all of those things.
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